It's hard....

As you can imagine being a teen mom is hard. It's even harder when it comes to balancing a baby, school and a relationship. But I knew that it wouldn't last that long. Well you see I was set to graduate I'm December of 2015. During the summer I came with my mom to have a meeting with my counselor to see what I would need to do to graduate early. Well everything got set into place. I was filled with joy knowing that I'd be done with high school in December and no longer have to worry about it. 

            But 2 days ago I over heard my friend talking about the part b of her subjects. I asked her what that was and she explained to me in order to graduate early you have to complete part b of all your core classes before December 18. I was confuse and worried because not once did my counselor mention this information to me. Worried I went to the principle who will sign my diploma and she said yes it's true I can't graduate without earning the part b in my core subjects. 

        Later that same day I had a meeting with the head principle and my mom to discuss why my options for graduating were. It still would be possible to graduate early in December but I'd have to finish  the second semester of English in 3 weeks and if I were to finish  i would graduate minimum and if I still wanted to graduate recommended then I would have to finish the second semester of 4 classes in 3 weeks. I wasn't satisfy with graduating on a minimum plan so even though I didn't want to I am going to continue high school throughout the spring. 

            To many this doesn't really seem like a big deal but to me it is. I had everything planned out and set for after December! After finding out that I was going to graduate early in December I began the college registration process and completed it, I stressed over tests and scores, met all the deadlines and applied to scholarships. I even found the class schedule that I wanted! Just to get it snatched away from me?! Just because someone can't properly complete their job. Emotionally I feel drained! I want to throw in the trial and quit. But looking at my sweet baby I know I can't I know she doesn't deserve that kind of life. I know this is just a hard partly life and the best is yet to come. I can see myself as a Labor and Delivery Nurse with hard work in determination. I just pray that God will guide wherever he wants me to go. 

11-18-15

Baby A - 4 months 

Letter #6

You've been really active all day ever since I woke up. You've been doing down hard kicks and punches and I feel you burrowing down. I'm loving it, lately I haven't been feeling your big kicks or punches since your so squished in my belly. I've felt great all day today which is strange considering yesterday I was practically dying. I hardly had any bad ache and breathing and walking around was easily done. I also did some online shopping for you today and set up a extremely last minute maternity photo-shoot for tomorrow so me and daddy will always have the memory of you in my belly. Tomorrow is also my 39 weeks check up, me and daddy are curious to what the doctor is going to say. I can't wait to hear your heart beat! It's one of my favorite and most looked forward part to each appointment to hear that bear and look at daddy and smile, it's an amazing feeling knowing you made that little heart beat beat. I'm getting super impatient for you to be here already. What I would've given to have you born today...everyone is leaving to Florida for the wedding Thursday early in the morning. I don't want them to miss your birth. I rather stay at someone's house until our house is done than to have them miss you being born and being here for me. Me and your Aunt steffanie were poking and looking at my belly when all of a sudden you decided to give mommy the biggest kick ever,scaring steffanie! I've been trying to spend as much time with her as possible. We spent some quality sister time together today coming her hair turned into a full out hair do which then turned into me plucking her eyebrows which then ended in a competitive game of uno. No one knows how much it hurts knowing it's never going to be just me and her again. I've been hiding my emotions and crying where no one can see me. I know I've been a lame excuse for a big sister and I can never take back the things I said or done to her, I know I've her her feelings multiple of times and wasn't there for her when she needed me. I don't want to send her on a plane Thursday and pray that she lands safely and be here at home alone without a grouchy little kid asking me to play Uno or to cook her some food. Knowing how I felt when she was born makes me even more sad, I don't want her to feel ignored or unwanted because all of the attention is going to be given to a new baby. I'm tired of seeing people get so frustrated with her or pushing her to the side. I want to be the one who defends her, who she finds comfort in and be what overall be what a big sister is suppose to be. I want to treat her just like she's suppose to be treated starting now and after the birth of Baby A try even harder to keep her involved and grow our relationship...
June 24th, 2015 - 39 weeks 3 days

Letter #5

Today was miserable. At night I woke up with back pain that made it difficult to go back to sleep. Then when I woke up it just got worse, it hurt to get up or simply move. My belly would suddenly get tight and then get soft again, meaning I was having contractions. I was also having cramps but only on my right side. I was in so much pain and uncomfortable yet I didn't take any pain killers because although it's safe I'm a health freak and don't want those drugs or chemicals reaching baby A. Anyways with all the pain and discomfort I was in, I was sure that id going to go into labor later in the day. I managed to walk to the trailer to finally finding packing my and baby a's hospital bags. After coming back to the house I couldn't take it anymore so I thought it'd be a good idea to take a nap. I took a two hour nap, when I woke up my back aches were still painful but mild and bearable. I went through the day normally, cooking, cleaning and playing uno with Steffanie.
Mr.Peggy bought me my new bed and bed frame for the new house, which I love so much!! It's so glitzy and if daddy didn't come furniture shopping with me then I would've never spotted it. Anyways, Peggy said if everything goes as planned then the new house should be ready to move in by Wednesday! Which is good because we're only 5 days away from your expected arrival date!
I'm still in a shock that me and your daddy made you. I look back at how we used to be just friends to where we are now. It's just mind blowing to me. I'm dying to see how you look like ( I think you look like daddy with his lips and nose while he thinks you look like me ). This pregnancy has gone by so fast. It feels like two weeks ago I went in for my first appointment and saw a little shrimp on the ultrasound screen and now we're in the finale week awaiting your grand arrival! Although we're more than ready to meet you, you still have some finale details to be done so keep baking while I also finish some finale details.
I love you more than anything!
Love Mommy
June 22, 2015: 39 weeks 1 day

Letter #4

If things go as planned then this should be my finale week on this wild journey we call pregnancy. I'll write a short blog everyday up to the day baby A is delivered, so here it goes. Baby A I feel as if your extremely squished in my belly and your getting grouchy by it. I feel you burrowing yourself down and giving me hard kicks and punches as you do. The back pain is at it's worse. It seems like any position I lay on it doesn't seem to go away. I've been having contractions and sudden extreme tightness in my belly which makes me think you'll be here in no time at all. But oh, let's not forget the cramps. Before I got pregnant I never got period cramps so cramping is something new for me. Let's just say it's probably one of the worse things! At times it hurts just to stand up straight or move, I just want to curl up in a ball.My emotions are all over the place. I'm beyond excited to have you here and see and touch you for the first time. But I'll admit I'm sad that it'd never be just me and daddy no more or just me and steffanie, it'd take some adjusting and getting used to. Motherhood scares me, I don't want to mess up or be a let down for you. I want to be and do the best I can because all you deserve is the best.
Anyways, today I tried to pack your hospital bag but it was too overwhelming. I felt so lost trying to pack it. There was too many cute outfits, bows and hats to pick from. And it doesn't help that i bought more baby caps today, I think I'm getting obsessed with them. They're just too cute! So I just gave up even though I shouldn't had. Hopefully I'll finish packing and get everything sorted and organized soon.
Oh yeah! Today was daddy's first official unofficial Father's Day!
June 21, 2015 : 39 weeks 0 days pregnant

A Brief History of Me - My Privacy Explanation

Mine and my family's privacy is something that's really important me. Many people ask why I don't talk to them or how come I cut so many people off. No,it's not because I'm embarrassed, ashamed of my situation or my baby. But it's my choice of who I welcome into my life and my baby's life.
What a lot of people don't know about me is that both me and my boyfriend attended a private Christian school. As you know Christians are against having sex before marriage therefore when word spread that we had sex we both got expelled. At that school neither of us were popular and kept to ourselves. I won't lie it was filled with preppy, stuck up, and judgmental kids but there were a few that were actually nice.I wasn't the richest nor the most talkative of the crowd so a lot of the kids didn't bother to talk to me. As for my boyfriend he wasn't the most talkative either but he had his typical crowd of "bros". Well anyways after being expelled no one cared to talk or look for me and my boyfriend, just a few people here and there but not really.
After finding out about my pregnancy me and my boyfriend didn't find the need to announce it to everyone at our old school. But my mom took it upon herself to inform the principle that I would not be returning because I was pregnant. From there, my very unprofessional ex Spanish teacher took it upon himself to release my medical information to his first period class, which was the class that I was in while attending the school, telling the students that he was informed that "former student samantha zavala is pregnant". From there everything blew up. Multiple people who weren't talking to me decided to blow up my phone asking if I was pregnant because my ex teacher informed them that I was. I thought there was no point in keeping my pregnancy a secret so I informed a few of my "friends" that yes it was true. Word spread in such a small school that I was pregnant. People who I never talked with began following my social media or requesting to be allowed into my social media. It got me mad because I knew how these people were and I knew that all they wanted was to know what was going on and to be nosy. The kids there literally find entertainment in each other's life by gossiping and being extremely nosy and fake with one another.
I didn't want people thinking they knew what was happening in my life by what they saw on my social media because let's face it, you don't know what exactly is happening by what I decide to share. Therefore I began blocking people but they didn't quit. These people are so nosy that it got to the point that they sent their friends, people I never even met or knew about, to go request me on social media and also made fake accounts. It got so bad that I just hit the top of my frustration level and deleted all my social media accounts besides Instagram.
I still talked to a few people who I thought were my friend until I began receiving screenshots and word from my true friends showing me what people were saying about me and my baby.That's when it was it for me. It's one thing to talk smack about me but please don't be going around talking smack about my baby.Even when faced with the facts lots of them denied it, that's when I decided to completely cut everyone off. I don't want pictures of me or my baby being released or being passed around nor do I want people talking smack about my family.
It hurt my feelings from what people did and especially the people who I thought were my friends. They promised me they were going to be there for me but instead they just turned around to talk smack about my situation or didn't even respond to me when I went out looking for them. I've chosen to cut everyone off because they're apart of my past and I don't need or want that in my present or future life. Many still think it's because I'm embarrassed or ashamed or wonder what's the big deal and that's ok they can think whatever they want to think but the deal is that I don't see that school or people apart of me anymore I see it and them as a part of my past which I have moved on and away from. Yes, there's a few people who've I've let into my and my baby's life from there but it's people who I trust and have a good relationship with. This wasn't a blog to call people out or the school but it was a post of complete honesty and explanations to those who were left in a wonder. I ask that no one gets offended but respects my choices, stop: blowing up and stalking my social media, being fake with me to just her information then turn around and tell everyone or simply trying to get a hold of me. I've already made my decision and I am sticking firm to it and not once have I looked back. My social media is on private for a reason, to keep my life private and to keep people out. I don't reply to certain people to keep them out and because I don't find the need to inform them of what's going on in my life. If it was my choice I would chose to be a total mystery to people in my past because my honest opinion is, I find it low and disgusting of how nosy and disrespectful people can be. So one last time please stay away from me, off my social media, and if I have cut you off it's because I don't want you to be in my life and I don't want to be in your life, stop making sudden appearances into my life because I will not go looking for you nor will I reply.
Thank You, Samantha

Weekend of Emotions

June 5-7 was a weekend filled with excitement, happiness and fear.
Friday June 5th, Ben graduated highschool! It's the beginning to a new beginning. I'm happy to see that he accomplished this not only for himself but for our baby. It wasn't easy transferring to different schools in the middle of the school year especially for him, this being his senior year. I know he struggled and had hard decisions to make, what would be best for him but also best for us as a whole. At the end it doesn't matter where we came from all that matter is where you ended. I know it's not the high school diploma from a private school that him or his parents wanted or expected but it's still a high school diploma that be earned and received. He could've easily given up but he didn't, I'll always be proud of him and this accomplishment.
Saturday June 6th, I was home alone with my dad. Throughout the day I felt completely fine. It was around one in the afternoon when I began to get hungry. I was in the kitchen just standing when I felt a gush of fluid go through my shorts. I went to the restroom to make sure something was actually there, sure enough there was. The substance wasn't pee, I was in shocking, I thought my water had broke. Trying to be calm I just texted two people saying I think my water had broke, Ben and my Aunt Natalie. Both of them freaked out although I was trying to stay calm I was freaking out a bit inside. I decided to text my mom and tell her what happened I said I wasn't sure if my water broke or if I peed on myself and not to tell anyone especially my dad since he's the dramatic type and I was home alone with him. But sure enough the first person she tells is my dad then sends my grandma over to check up on me. After everyone pressuring me I finally called my doctor. Talking to her and explaining what happened she sent me to labor and delivery. Of course Ben was freaking out being extremely dramatic. After being checked out everything was fine besides my high blood pressure and we got sent home after 2 hours.
Sunday June 7th, was my baby shower! The theme was tea party. Your grandma Dora was the host and it was a very cute and successful shower. We received so many gifts for you! It was nice to have a gathering with both family's to celebrate your soon to be arrival. It's a 3 weeks countdown until your expected arrival date of June 28th. A new chapter is about to start in mine and bens life as we welcome the life of our baby into the world very soon.
- Samantha
37 weeks 1 Day : June 8th ,2015

A Brief History of Me - Mine & Ben's Story

Mine and Ben's story starts long before May 14, 2014. At the end of my eighth grade year, my parents no longer wanted to homeschool me. They looked around at schools ( not taking any public schools into consideration ) and Brentwood came up, a private and Christian based school. I started the registration and interview and got accepted into the 2012-2013 school year. I began the following year at the school. Being the new girl ( not many new people came in every year ) I got a lot of attention,from the guys especially. I ignored them except a lot of them kept mentioning the name Ben. Since I was new I didn't know who Ben was until someone pointed him out to me. After being pointed out I knew him as the shy kid who constantly stared at me. People continued mentioning him to me and encouraging me to go talk to him. But me myself also being shy didn't go talk to him. Until one night we both happened to be at a Quinceneria and he caught my attention. Everyone was telling me to ask him to dance but once again my shyness became a barrier although I did want to dance with him, therefore I purposely went and placed my stuff beside him and kept walking past him hoping he'd ask me but with all my effort we didn't dance nor talked that night. The following few days I became more and more interested and let my friend Chris in into my interest. She had a very outgoing personality and was a mutual friend of both of us, she's the one who got us to talk. We constantly talked although it was difficult since I didn't have a phone we were forced to email. We never really talked at school if anything it was a maximum of 3 minutes. We talked for a good 2 weeks then it was Valentines. Ben had made it obvious that he was going to get me something by asking what were my favorite flowers. Valentines Day fell on a weekday that year meaning it was during school. I was running late that day but as soon as I walked in a bunch of Ben's friends told me to hurry over to my locker, I already knew what was waiting for me. When I turned the corner I saw Ben standing at my locker, I had no idea what to do and tried to act dumb as if I didn't see him although there was like 5 people in the hall. When I got to my locker we both had an awkward greeting he handed me a cup which was filled with white roses and had duck tape criss crossed over the top to not let the flowers fall, chocolate and small teddy bear all he said was this is for you and I responded with thank you and a hug. He walked off with Chris patting his back telling him good job. Till this day I laugh, you could see the fear and nervousness in him. Anyways the following weeks we kept talking through email then spring break came along. After returning back to school after the break we quit talking. I honestly thought we were done and simply just a part of each other's past. Then sophomore year ( for me ) came along. My sophomore year was the best and worst year ever. I was at one of my all time lows and Ben came to mind. I remember how sweet he was and how we just stopped talking ( reasons him and me will only know ) and I wanted to talk to him and apologize for how everything went suddenly stopped. The guilt was killing me but yet once again my shyness came in the way, I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. Therefor once again I brought a mutual friend into the picture, Logan. I explained to Logan how I felt and I couldn't talk to him so he gave my number to Ben and the next day he texted me! Something about us just clicked. We were able to talk to each other about anything and everything and had so many heart to heart conversations. Our past "thing" was brought up and we both realized what it was that occurred. We started talking on April 7th, 2014 and on May 15, 2015 I asked him to be my boyfriend. We started started dating a week and a half before summer got out. During the summer it seemed as if everything was against us when it came to planning dates but finally on June 18th we had our first date which was at the outlets and movie's to watch the " The Fault in our Stars", it was also the same day that we first held hands. Anyways throughout the summer I'm sure we'd both admit that it was difficult to keep our relationship alive. Eventually the 2014-2015 school year rolled along. It was truly amazing! We spent every second of almost everyday together it was as if we were attached at the hips. We'd been dating for 5 months when we found out I was pregnant. Fear and unknowing of what was going to happen filled us both. Due to the school that we were attending was private but also Christian we were forced to leave. We started at two different schools which again put our relationship to a hard test but we managed to pull through.
Current day, these next few weeks will be ones that I will always cherish being they are our last together just us before our baby is born. Our relationship isn't perfect and I'll admit we've hit some hard spots. But what relationship is perfect? There's no such thing as a perfect couple or a perfect relationship and we've learned to accept that and over come the challenges together. I can't wait to see where our life takes us and how this new chapter of our lives will unfold with our baby. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that there's going to be a person on this earth that's half of me and half of Ben that represents our love for each other. It's amazing the way God plans things out and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, although at times the reason stays unknown temporarily or forever there is a meaning.

Letter #3

Baby A!
Me and Daddy got to see you for the last time today until your born. Your weighing in at 6 and a half pounds and your head down, all ready to come out! Unfortunately you weren't working with us therefore we weren't able to get any pictures of you. But seeing you on the screen was priceless! You have the cutest chunky face I've ever seen. And your always sucking on your hands. Every time we've seen you your sucking on your thumb. I love you so so so much and can't wait to see you very soon.
~ Love Mommy
36 weeks 1 day : June 1, 2015

Letter #2

Baby A,
I pray that you will never question my love for you. I want you to know you have a meaning and a purpose on this earth. People will say because of you and my age, my life has stopped but I don't believe creating a life at my age has made mine stop, it's shown me how to live my life with a meaning and purpose. Me and Daddy will always see you as our little blessing and our bundle of joy. Never has our love for you been questioned nor have we ever questioned terminating your life to have ours continue how it once was.

I promise to tell you how much I love you. Although physically I haven't met you yet, you already mean the world to me.I'll go to the end of the earth for you. Me and Daddy are willing to give up anything and everything for you. I'll never be able to describe the love I have for you. From the moment I knew you were growing inside of me I loved you and only wanted the best for you.
I know I won't be the perfect mom. But I hope to be as close as perfect as I can because all you deserve is the best. It's a cruel world out there and life is going to throw challenges at you that will make you want to give up. But please know your never alone, I pray you find comfort in me and you'll able to come talk to me. I can't wait to pick you up from school and hear all about how your day was. Don't ever let anyone define who you are, you are you and your perfect in every way, be who your soul wants you to be. Be strong and stand up for what you believe in. Your my sunshine and I know you'll be sunshine to everyone around you.
Me and Daddy are praying that you'll be here soon, strong and healthy. I can't wait to watch you grow up and become a wonderful young adult. I know you'll get mad at us at times and not understand things. But just remember we're doing it out of love. You'll always be our baby that we love with all our heart.

~Love Mommy
May 28, 2015 - 35 weeks 4 days

Letter #1

For the sake of privacy on my blog lets call you, Baby A. Baby A, our journey together is going to come to an end pretty soon. It's bitter sweet thinking of it ending but I'm more than excited to finally have you physically here with me and your daddy.I remember the day me and your daddy found out we were going to be parents, we were filled with a whirlpool of emotions and wonders. Never did we think we'd be parents this early in life. No matter the situation, statistics, and negativity from others we'll always see you as a blessing in our lives and you'll always be our little baby that we love. Never should you think we never loved you or wanted you, although you weren't expected you were never unwanted or not loved. Your expected arrival date of June 28th 2015 is only 6 weeks away, the crowd of people waiting for your grand arrival and to share their unconditional love for you is growing and growing so hurry up Baby A! ~ Love Mommy 
May 19, 2015 - 34 weeks 2 Days